Who am I?
Kaun hoon mein?
You really wanna know????
Shayad mein bhi isi sawaal ka jawab dhoondh rahi hoon…
I reached my college…ahh it was such a beautiful day! My friends joined me and we entered the gates…..
Aaj hawaon mein kuch nazakat sit hi….
We giggled at our own jokes as we walked towards our classes. But I couldn’t miss the change in the air….it was bright and sunny…the cool breeze just adding to the wonderful feel…but why was I feeling so different today? As if something was going to happen!!! What???
Ek bechaini si chaa gayi thi….
Kuch to zaroor hona tha…
Ab to yeh dil bhi pareshaan ho chala tha…
The dusk had already fallen. We had stayed back in college making some notes in our classroom!
The three of us walked out after we were done….I was hurrying up! It was late..ammi and abbu will be so worried! As we walked down the empty corridors…I had a feeling that someone was watching us. I turned around but there was no one! I sighed…was I imagining things? Don’t know why I felt that!!!
As we neared the gates..it struck me! I had forgotten my notebook on the table itself! I smacked my head….how stupid can I get? I asked my friends to go ahead and I ran back to my class. But still there was this restlessness lingering around!!!
I entered my class….a very different aura engulfed me…..i involuntarily slowed down…there was someone sitting! I couldn’t see his face…but yeah he was staring at something! I inched closer with an anticipation rising in my chest…hey that was MY notebook! I promptly walked near him and asked, “Excuse me! Can I have my notebook back?“
He seemed startled with my sudden appearance….may be he was a bit too engrossed…but what was he doing with my notebook? One thing I was sure of that he wasn’t expecting me there! He stood up and looked at me…
For a moment my breath got stuck in my throat….as his eyes met mine…he was so….. sooo….BEAUTIFUL! his eyes…..they had me captivated in the 1st look itself!!!
Par aaj yeh kambakht hawayein
Bhi kuch becharm ho chali thi…..
One gust of wind and mu dupatta off…baring my shoulders!!! I instantly closed my eyes and turned my back to him! It was really a disgrace to let go off your dupatta in front of anyone…well that’s what I had been taught since childhood so my reaction came out naturally!!!!
I felt so embarrassed…I cursed the winds…gosh now I hated open windows!!! But I was more conscious about him….what will he think of me? I don’t know him…I don’t even know his name…I don’t know where my dupatta was…I didn’t have the courage to face him either!!!
Suddenly a warmth tingled my back…I knew he was close..oh god…I held my breath…somewhere scared what he might do to me….the more I expected the time to run faster…the more it slowed down! I closed my eyes tighter in the anticipation of what was next!!!
But the next moment I felt a silky clothing slide over my head and arm…I slowly opened my eyes…my heart seemed to calm down a bit…my dupatta was covering my head and shoulders! I sighed in relief and turned around….he was not there! I looked around…looks like he had left already!!! My hands instinctively went over my heaf, caressing my dupatta….
Aaj un do aankhon se mili…
Jisne meri rooh tak ko apne kaaboo me kar lita…
Yeh kaisi sazish hai teri….
Pehli nazar mein hi deewana bana gaya…
I couldn’t sleep the whole night….his eyes..they kept flashing in front of my eyes…how intently they were looking at me…his face…the way I lost myself for a moment there….he seemed so pure and serene…what was happeneing to me today? A thought of him brought a smile on my lips!
The next day I walked into the college with my friends….
Aaj hawaon ne phir se
Koi fasana gunguna diya…..
Dil mein chupi ek ass ko
Phir se jaga diya…
I saw him with his friends enjoying himself as we crossed them…my eyes automatically went to him….like it was so natural! Ohh my….he was also looking at me…I blushed and looked away!!!
Unke rutbe mein bhi to kuch baat thi…..
Pal pal nazrien bas unhi ko niharne taras jaati…
Ab to shayad meri aankhein bhi dhokha dene lagi hain mujhe….
Na chahte hue bhi bas unhi ke dedaar ke liye machal jaati….
The whole day I kept thinking about him…uff…I was going mad!!! For now I was sure that he was from our college…but, “whats your name?” I questioned myself!
It was almost a month since that day…it had become a ritual to see him everyday…I felt my days incomplete without him…by now I had known his name…not that I had asked him but strange as it may sound…we never spoke! But yeah I heard his friends calling out to him…so I knew! And I also knew his class…and that’s it!
Ab to nazrien hi jaise baat karne lagi thi…
Ek ajjeb si khamoshi
Hume ek anjaan dor se baandhe jaa rahi thi…
Everytime he caught me looking…(actually staring) at him..he’d give a sly grin…ahh my heart would stop beating and cheeks would burn red!!!
And I don’t know what happened to me in those days…if he looked worried even for a silliest reason (that I presume) I could never miss it….something would just just eat me up within!! And my nights would turn sleepless until I saw him back to normal!!! Why was his every gesture affecting me so much?
Kyun har baar yeh dil
Unke loye machal uthta hai….
Kyun unke bina hare k pal
Bemana sa lagta hai….
Everytime I couldn’t see him…my days would turn hell and nights would turn teary! What was happeneing to me? Is this what people called love? But we never spoke…well our eyes did…and I really did love him! But there als also something else…I had spoken to him..Remember our 1st meet…I made a baby face as I slid under my blanket, “why don’t you talk to me?“
Ab to yeh kambakht besharm hawayein
Bhi kuch bechain si ho chali thi…
Dil me jaage ehsaas maano
Machalne lage the….
Najaane kab ye jhijhak khatm hogi..
Na jaane kab iss intezaar ki imtehaan poori hogi….
It was the last week of out final year of college before even I could realize it! 8 months went away so swiftly…so many friend swill be left behind…so many fond memories…and………………………………..HIM!
It ached me so much…it had become so much of a habit to have him around me always…in very step I took…every where I went…..knowingly and unknowingly he’d always be beside me….somewhere he had also become my strength!!!
Will I be able to stay away from fim? Will I ever see him again? What if he goes away somewhere far due to his placements…how do I stay away from him???
I could still remember the day afresh when I and my friends accidentally bumped into his gang at a shopping mall…and we had decided to go together as my friends knew them! I had always kept distance from boys on stircts instructions of abbu and ammi..but he was soo different…..
par iss dil-e-nadaan ko kaun samjhaye…
jab koi apna mil jata hain
to use dil me utarte der nahi lagti….
Aur wo to mere dil mein pehli hi mulakaat mein utar aaye the!
I cried the whole night…..will he go away? He never spoke to me…he did with others..but why not me? What if he doesn’t feel the same for me? I fear lurked within….what if I mistook his gestures? What if he has someone else….NO! I refused to think on those grounds!!!
But my heart ached to be with him…craved to touch him….cried to spend every day..every minute and every moment with him…
Ammi was so worried seeing me like that…even abbu was! They had never seen me cry so much….but I wanted to cry…I wanted to stay alone that night!!!
I wanted to tell him my feelings….and that night there was no fear…not even of my parents!!!
Iss dil ki fariyaad bhi to koi sune…
Kya aap bhi wahi mehsoos karte hain jo mein…
Kya aap meri aankhon me wo ehsaas samajh nahi paate…
Kya iss dil ki tadap aapko mehsoos nahi hoti….
I decided….if I was the 1st one to speak that day…then I’ll be the 1st one today also…I’ll break that silence between us….it has becme unbearable for me.! My heart extremely heavy with all those emotions I had for him!!1
I stayed back after class that day expecting him to be around!!! I prayed to my allah to send him to me…to the very place where we had 1st met….
I waited and waited…gos knows how long…but my prayers were heard! He was there….my heart skipped beats…did he know I was waiting for him??? He had a questioning look on his face and I had determination today!!!
Before he could understand I walked straight to him and blurted out. “I LOVE YOU!” before I had second thoughts!!!!
There was sudden silence…..well it was always there…to my surprise, he didn’t react! His eyes turned darker…his face expressionless…now I was getting scared!
Kya mein galat thi??
Ab iss pyaar ko mein dil mein
Aur chupaye nahi rakh sakti…
Aaj to aapko jawab dena hi padega…
But hell broke upon me when he just turned and walked away without giving me an answer! Did he misunderstand me? I wanted him to stop….urn back,…and take me in his arms…but no words came out of my mouth….just my mind screamed, “come back…please…come back!“
Tears rolled out of my eyes as I saw his retreating figure..all those days…scrapping his name wherever I could…chanting his name even in ym dreams….everything seemd to fade away in just a blink of an eye!!!
Unki ek khamoshi mujhe aaj bekaraar kar gayi…
Unki ek khaoshi aaj meri zindagi ka faisla kar gayi….
Kya unke dil mein mere liye koi jagah nahi..
Ya mere pyaar mein hi jaise koi kami reh gayi….
It was officially the last day of our college….i didn’t even know how I had spent those last 5 days…was that a rejection? I kept asking myself!!!!
Aaj to laga jaise aasuon ka saath bhi choot gaya ho…
I stood numb while my firend shugged me crying and confessing how much they would miss me but that felt nothing to me..nothing at all!!
It was the end of the day…I remained aloof from people…he was there too…but he didn’t look at me….sigh..he hadn’t looked at me since the day I had confessed!!! What was I expecting now? Huh!!!!
I slowly walked across the gate….all alone…but I guess that didn’t matter anymore now!
Aaj hawaon mein phir kuch baat thi….
Kuch manmaani…kuch manchali…aur kuch nirali…..
I didn’t want to feel that!! NO!!! NEVER! I hurried my steps…bu I never realized that the winds had played with me again!!! One end of my dupatta was sliding on the ground as I walked! I never noticed…but I did trip! I closed my eyes with the fear of falling and then a similar warmth had engulfed me yet again…I smiled a bit…I was hallucinating I guess! But I could feel his hol around me…”are you really here”…
So warm his embrace was…so soothing…I didn’t need anyone to tell me it was Him!!!
I opened my eyes and found myself in his arms….that was something so unbelievable…I excitedly looked at his face….his touch sending jitters down my spine!
But his rejection….i looked away immediately feeling the corners of my eyes burning! I tried to get away from him…but he held me tight…gosh that was intoxicating!
“kya aaj bina kuch kahe…bina koi sawaal kiye mere saath chalogi?“
I heard him ask…it was the 1st time he had ever spoken to me…was I hearing right? His voice was so gentle and beautiful as his face…I couldn’t stop gaping at him!!!
He led me towards his car and the next moment we were driving somewhere! I was so lost in him that I never realized! We got down at some place and he held my hand and led me towards the stairs! It was then I realized we were at a gurdwara!
He looked at me lovingly and pulled my dupatta over my head! But I couldn’t go into the holy place…I belonged to a different…
“Shhh…” he placed his fingers on my lips and I just ate my words! He again held my hand and led me in! I could never take my eyes off it!
As we sat down to pray..i just kept looking at him…I didn’t need to pray…because HE was near me!!!!
Itna pak tune iss insaan ko kaise banaya….
Tu hi to ab unme mujhe dikhne laga ahin….
Ab to yeh dil bas unka SAJDA karne laga ahin….
We walked down slowly…I never took my eyes off him and he kept holdimng my hadn all the while!!! He made me sit on the stairs! I wondered what he was trying to do…but eventually gave into the flow…the peace I was feeling after so many days….i didn’t want to destroy it!!!
He sat in front of me and pulled my feet over his thighs and before I could even comprehend anything he slipped in a beautiful payal around it!!! He did the same with the same with my other feet…I was so stunned…surprised…at that moment…he did everything with so much sincerity….he never cared to check on my reaction!!!!!
He gently put my feet down and held my hands, “I LOVE YOU TOO“..and he kissed my palms!!!!
It took me some time to digest the fact…..but he took so many days to answer……I had tears in my eyes but there were no inhibitons today….no hesitations…no fear…not even the strict words of my ammi and abbu…
I fell in his arms hugging him tight…so tight…as if this was the 1st and the last time I was holding on to him…to my dear life……
Tere ishq me mein jiyun…
Tere ishq me mein maroon..
Tere bin mein kuch bhi nahi…
Bas tera SAJDA karoon….!
Kaun hoon mein???
Mein to bas wahi hoon..
Jo har pal unki aankhon mein basta hai…
Mein to bas wahi hoon jaise wo mujhe dekhte hain….
Mein to wahi hoon jiska ask mein unki aankhon mein jhalakta hai
Mein to bas wahi hoon..jo Unke Pyaar ka Sajda Karti hoon!!!